the tuesday transition - issue 56
September 26, 2023: As with most of my newsletter topics, the one comes straight from a conversation I had with a high school soccer player I am currently working with. We were talking about how doubting ourselves is SO MUCH EASIER than believing in ourselves – and we were trying to sort out why that’s the case.
I love where our conversation went because I think this is spot on:
Self-doubt is so easy to have because no matter what we are doing, there will always and forever be a NEXT STEP that we need to achieve. And being hyper-focused on just that NEXT STEP is what can put us in a cycle of perpetually feeling inadequate.
Soccer players, being only tuned in to that next step, what you lack and need to get, what you have not yet achieved – THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU CONSTANTLY ARE FILLED WITH SELF-DOUBT. Because you are constantly ‘not enough’ in your own eyes.
So what is the remedy? It’s pausing every once-in-awhile (on your pursuit of that next step). It’s taking a moment to look back at all the things you’ve done to get yourself here. It’s allowing yourself to feel GOOD about all those numerous ‘next steps’ you’ve already accomplished.
And the truth and reality is, as athletes with high expectations of ourselves, we DO need to focus on that next step because that is how we grow and expand. BUT WE NEED TO DO THAT WHILE WE ALSO PAUSING AND CELEBRATING all of the things we’ve already done to get us this far.
If we want to shut down the self-doubt and grow our self-belief, we have to make it a priority to look BACK and see how far we've come, instead of always just looking FORWARD and seeing how far we still have yet to go.
Parents and coaches, you have a lot of influence when it comes to helping your players make this shift. Sometimes as coaches and parents, we can get really focused on helping our players identify the elements of their game that need improvement. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this (objective feedback is necessary for progression), but one thing that we could do better for our players is place more emphasis on identifying and celebrating the things that players DID clean up, sharpen up and improve each week BEFORE calling attention to the next steps.
Example: Let’s say your player is working on first touch and general ball control and after last weekend’s game you talked together about how they should position their body so that their first touch goes toward space. This weekend they went out and focused on this and did really well with it. Here’s the important part: BEFORE we have a conversation about what’s next (weight of the touch, awareness of surroundings, technique, etc.) we need to pause and make it a PRIORITY to celebrate what a fantastic job they did with improving their body position. It may be a really small improvement and easy to gloss over and just run to all the other things that still need work, but THIS PAUSE IS OF UPMOST IMPORTANCE. Because when players just speed past these things, they never give themselves the chance to realize what great things they are doing for themselves.
They never give themselves the chance to see what they ARE, instead they just stay hyper-focused on what they are NOT.
And that is where the self-doubt thrives. As parents and coaches, we can help here by taking a moment and creating space in the conversation for them to look back and see what they just did for themselves. THEN we can chat about what’s up next in regards to improvement.
In an interesting twist, as a coach I do believe that players and teams should have a mindset where they are ‘never satisfied’ so that they are constantly leveling up and pushing themselves to grow.
We want to get better and better and better and relentlessly pursue greatness, yes. But at the same time that we have to stay ‘not satisfied’ and keep pushing forward, we also have to look back and be OVERWHELMINGLY SATISFIED with what we’ve accomplished to date. Never satisfied, but always satisfied. (It sounds strange to write that down, but I completely understand my point – here’s to hoping that you do too!)
It's this odd space that an athlete occupies - knowing that we need to constantly be expanding and striving for more, but also of being able to look back and be really happy with the awesome things that we've done for ourselves.
We get stuck in the constant cycle of self-doubt and feeling like a failure when we only talk to ourselves about what we still need, what we don’t have, and what we lack. This is something that is really important to be aware of because there will ALWAYS be that next step, that next level where we are currently NOT – and if we don’t stay diligent we will easily self-defeat inside of this cycle.
‘Enough’ isn’t something we’ll ever catch. And that’s OK – as long as we aren’t determining our self-worth based on our ability to catch it. The perpetual pursuit of greatness, when we focus on the process and can count our successes each and every day along the way, is what leads to true, strong self-belief. The perpetual pursuit of greatness, where we are always telling ourselves that we aren’t good enough, we need to be at that next level, that next step, or else we aren’t worthy – THAT is what leads to constant self-doubt.
Guess what’s the hardest part here? THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT NEXT STEP. ALWAYS. Our job is to make sure that we have the healthy striving perspective that that next step isn’t what defines us or defeats us, but instead what motivates us and excites us and drives us forward toward experiencing our own greatness.
Till next time,
💎 What I’m digging: Julie Ertz and her baby boy on the sideline of the Arizona Cardinal’s games supporting her husband Zach (Julie and I are both originally from Mesa! Go AZ!)
👩🏽💻 What I’m reading: This fantastic feature piece in the NYT about what it is like to be a 13-year old right now in the year 2023: Being 13
🎧 What I’m listening to: Oprah was on ‘We Can Do Hard Things’ with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach. Need I say more?
Grow your confidence through preparedness.
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Hi everyone! I’m Jenn and I create content to help female soccer players and coaches maximize individual and team potential by developing healthy mindset skills. Join other subscribers and sign up for the newsletter for all my best tips and advice!
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